Heather Miller Music

Too Legit to Quit

Photo by Amy Zamarripa

I got an email from my producer today saying that one of my heros in an independent, nationally touring band said “yes” to playing on my album.  After squealing the news to one of my best friends who was on the phone when I got the email, and then texting my husband and my roommate, I flopped down on the couch in the living room.  Tears welled up in my eyes as I had the thought that, “Wow, I must actually be a legitimate artist if someone like that would agree to play on my EP”.  The phrase that immediately followed that thought was “Too legit to quit!”

I’ve been writing songs for years, going to workshops, taking classes, participating in writing groups on and offline.  While I’ve been making leaps and bounds in both my music and as a person out here in Austin, on more occasions than I’d like to admit, I’ve gone through patches where a part of me wonders “What the hell am I doing and who am I kidding anyway?”  In those moments it seems like it would be easier and less scary to go back home and join the ranks of new mothers-to-be posting pictures of their beautiful baby bellies on Facebook.  And then I babysit for a few hours and remember that being a parent is just as hard and scary and beautiful and rewarding and awesome as being an artist, and that by embracing and developing my artistic self, which is who I really am, I’m actually going to be a better parent when the time comes.

I’ve clung to another phrase out here, and through many situations in my life - “Fake it till you make it.”  Over the years I’ve come to find out that even the people I look up to have felt like frauds at one point or another.  They still have vulnerable moments even after years of building up experience and confidence.  But the thing you often find out is that somewhere in the process of the faking, you’ve actually been DOING whatever it is you think you can’t do, which is how you get better at it.  ”Do it till you get better at it” is probably the more accurate phrase, but it doesn’t have the same snappy rhyme scheme as “Fake it till you make it”.  

Tonight as I walked over to the studio where I’ll be recording my EP to pick up a kick-pedal tambourine for band practice tomorrow it occurred to me that no matter what I did or didn’t believe about myself on the inside, anyone looking in from the outside would agree that for at least this moment of my life, I am a musician living in South Austin, actively pursuing my dream.  It’s actually kind of ridiculous and embarrassing to pretend anything else is the case.

Some of the outer edges of the dream are still foggy, but I’m glad and excited it’s becoming so clearly obvious I’m living it that even my curmudgeonly inner critic can’t deny it.  Or that I’ve cleared away enough of the dirt and dust on the windows that I can see better what was there already.  It’s also a tiny bit scary to a part of me because it means I’m running out of excuses to not be an artist, which is what I wanted and why I came here!  

The inner curmudgeon is still gonna try to have a field day with how good/successful/talented of a musician it will admit to me being, but that’s a far cry from the time when it was saying I wasn’t even an musician at all.  ”Gonna try” are the operative words though.  Now that I’ve gotten much more familiar with its games, it’s easier to say, “Shut up Critic!  I’m doing the work and I’m getting better at it!” 

I mean, come on, 87 open mics in 6 months and counting? :)

Tagged: AustinRubicon Yearconfidencemusicianlegitimate